I haven't blogged in almost a year, I've wanted to...but decided against it because everything I've wanted to say has been on more of the gloomy side. But tonight, I sit in a quiet house and decide that maybe getting a few things off my chest would help. Even if I'm just venting to the computer.
So bluntly stated, this year has been pretty crappy. Nothing MAJOR has happened, just done a LOT of thinking and realizing this year. Maybe that's what happens when you get older, you start to realize things that you've been blind to but this year has been one big giant slap in the face. A lot of it makes me wonder what's wrong with me? Most of my disappointment has come from realizing that relationships I have valued seem to mean nothing to anyone but me. Friends have become a distant memory, I've gone from best friend, to friend, to client. Family doesn't seem to care one bit what's going on with my little family whether its good or bad, and it realllllly breaks my heart. I know that I do have people in my life that love me, that value me, that value my friendship, and relationship whether I'm laughing or crying. And I thank the Lord a million times for that, but I can't pretend that I'm not bummed about how things have been. I wish I could just see why things are the way they are, and go back to being like they used to be, but I also know that everything happens for a reason so even in my heartache I try to be content and grateful.
I do wonder what is wrong with me though. I wonder why am I not good enough for people to want to stay in my life? What am I doing that makes people hit the road and not look back? Why? Why don't you care when something good happens in my life, why don't you care when something bad does too? When I'm asking for prayer on facebook or any other way why don't you wonder why I'm asking for prayer? Why aren't you excited for the good things in my life like birthdays and anniversaries, the milestones of my children? Why? And I don't have the answer for that, I don't think anyone does. The only piece of advice I ever get is "just don't let it bother you, just stop caring" and I only wish it were that easy. I wish I were able to just say, if they don't care to be a part of my life then so be it. But that's not how it works for me. I want to be loved, I want to be prayed for, and rejoiced with. So that's where my struggle lies.
I have ALWAYS struggled with not feeling good enough. I was always too skinny, too ugly cause I had glasses, the good kid "goodie two shoes" the kids were mean because I was too skinny, teachers were mean because I was too skinny. People gave me a hard time because I always had headaches and treated me like I was making it up. And now the distance and lack of care from everyone who is supposed to love me and be there for me just vaildates how I feel. I've lived my whole life with people nagging at me for something. Even doing what was right somehow turned out to be something that was a bad thing. And now here I am back in the same boat. The last almost 2 years of my life I've gained more weight than I ever have and look like a somewhat normal person and now I'm getting crap for that too cause I'm getting fat. I can't win. And honestly I'm tired of trying. I'm tired of trying to do what's always right, and be who everyone else thinks I should be. No matter what I do it doesn't seem to be right anyway. People still remove themselves from my life one by one regardless.
I just wish things were different. I look back over my last few blogs (I know there aren't many) and just reflect over my life and I think this is the first year I've ever felt truly unhappy (aside from when Dustin moved away) I'm not sure how to fix it. I've tried to sort things out with some of the people that have gotten further and further away from me, but it comes back to "the ball is in your court" well to me this isn't a game. I don't want a ball to be in my court cause I'm not sure what to do with the "ball". I want things to be like they should be. I'm not perfect, I'm broken and flawed just like everyone else... but I still want to be loved. I don't want to spend an incredibly long amounts of time with someone day in and day out being ignored. I'm not sure what I've done to deserve that, but if I've wronged you, give me a chance to make it right, don't just cut me off and pretend I don't exist.
In all of this mess I just keep thinking how grateful I am for my little family. I'm not talking relatives and cousins etc, I'm talking the 4 other people that live in this house with me that make up my family because I don't know what I'd do without them. I know God put them in my life for a reason because without them I would have nothing. Most days they are my only source of joy. The reason I keep on keeping on. And I know that every bit of that is of the Lord. He knew I would need Dustin in my life to get me through SO many things. I rely on his love to keep me going on a day to day basis. I hope I never take him for granted because I can't imagine my life without him too.
So for now I don't know what to do. I want to be happy and I give it my best shot. I wake up every day with the hopes of a new, good day and look to the Lord to see what all he has in store for me, but for now I need to just learn how to be content, and hope that one day my heart won't hurt so much.
Saturday, May 5, 2012
Saturday, July 2, 2011
Farewell to Twenty-Six...You Treated Me Well My Friend
In a few short hours I will be chronogically another year older and these last few days I have been thinking a lot about what all has happened this last year. As I reflected over this last year I have to say I think it has probably been one of the best ones of my life. And the great thing about that is that I have said that many times now but things just keep getting better and better. I thank the Lord for these blessings he has put in my life because without Him I may not have so many things to be thankful for over this last year. It feels like this year has gone by fast and slow all at the same time and SO many things have happened. I decided tonight while the rest of my house is sound asleep that I would blog about them that way in a few years I can be reminded of how good life is and hopefully how many ways it is even better by then.
There were certainly some hard times in this last year as well which include my sister leaving to war in Afghanistan and having to leave her two boys behind. One blessing was that I was able to see her just a few days before she left but it was incredibly hard because I didn't know if that was the last time I would ever see her again. I couldn't even bring myself to say goodbye to her because it made it too real for me. I had to try my best to put on my brave "big sister face" and hope that I could make it out of her eyesight before breaking down. I didn't I ended up crying a good part of the way to the airport. On the plus side I was able to go to California in March when she came home safely. I had intended on surprising her when she came home but the news got leaked so it wasn't a surprise but it was amazing none the less.
In August Mya started Kindergarten at Anchor Lutheran. And thankfully that first day of school wasn't as hard as I anticipated. I think her going there every day for like a year before really helped take that sting out of "My baby is growing up" not only did she start kindergarten but she became a big sister all in the same week. And oh what an amazing sister she has been. She absolutely adores Ava and can't get enough hugs and kisses even if that means she makes Ava scream. She is the clown of the two so far and she does whatever she can to make Ava laugh. I think one of my favorite parts of the day is when I pick them both up and all I can hear is laughing coming from the back seat of the car. I can hardly ever see what is so funny but I guess it's none of a mom's business anyway.
We took a family vacation over spring break and it was probably one of the most fun times I have ever had. We went to the Great Wolf Lodge and it was AMAZING!!! I am counting down the days until we can go again. During our trip Mya got to see a little glimpse into the life of a cowgirl and she is HOOKED. She asks pretty regularly when she is going to get to go to aunt Carrie's again and ride horses. She even got pink cowgirl boots for her birthday and she told me right away she is going to wear them when she goes riding at Carries.
Ava has been such a wonderful addition to our family. Before she was born it was really hard to imagine diving the love I had for Mya between two babies but thankfully God doesn't make you do that. He just gives you more love to go around. Ava is a completely different kid than Mya ever was. That makes me nervous for when they become teenagers. Ava has made all of the milestones along the way and is even walking now. She isn't walking full time but a good portion of the time. She can walk from one side of the livingroom to the other and she's only 10 months old. I have a feeling we are really in for it with this little bundle of joy. She's saying quite a few words such as mama, dada, mya, bye, ny night, up, hi and has even put two words together. Mya bye (she was crawling around looking for Mya one day when she was out) and hi dada.
Mya has had all sorts of things happen in her little life this year also. She became a big sister, started school, lost her first tooth, learned how to ride a bike. She's on a roll... rapid paced even. Everytime I blink my eyes she's doing something new to make me feel old.
I have also had the priviledge and blessing of abundant friendships this year. I was able to stand up next to a very close friend of mine as she married her best friend. That wedding was the most God filled one I have ever been to and certainly been a part of. You could just feel the Holy Spirit abundantly present that day and I look forward to seeing how their love and marriage grows over the years. She is so amazing and deserves a man who loves her like he does. I have also been blessed to grow amazingly close to my friend across the street. She has been there for me in SO many ways its hard to list them all. She loves on my babies when I need a moment, and just because she enjoys it. She cleaned my house while we were on vacation, she's laughed with me, cried with me...just been amazing and I can't imagine what life would be like without her. It blows my mind how God chooses the people He places in your life. I think thats certainly one of His ways to show His love for us by giving us unbelievable friends and family. Today I came home from work to see a gathering of colorful papers sticking out all over our front door. After we pulled into the garage I went to the front of the house to see what was there and the sweet kids that live in the neighborhood had handmade birthday cards for me. It was the sweetest most heart warming thing. I love those kids and I am so thankful for their love for me. The simple things go a long way.
And lastly my sweet loving husband. I don't even know where to begin with him. He starts every single day with making me a cup of coffee just because he knows how much it brightens my day. The other night my back was hurting really bad and so I got in the shower for a while to soak it. When I got out he was already in bed and as I climbed into bed my side was scorching hot. I thought maybe he had laid on my side until I got out of the shower but to my surprise he had gotten the heating pad and plugged it in so that it would be nice and hot for my sore back when I climbed into bed. Today I got a mysterious flower delivery today at work and my boss and I speculated who could have sent flowers. I said well I know it wasn't Dustin because as long as I have known and loved him he said that having flowers delivered is a waste of money. I decided to call the flower shop to see if they could tell me who sent them and....IT WAS HIM. I couldn't believe it!!! He's always finding new ways to sweep me off my feet. I don't know what I have ever done to deserve him and all of his love but I am so thankful that I did it. Just when I think he couldn't be more incredible I wake up, its a new day...and he does something all over again to make me have butterflies.
Thank you Lord for the best year of my life so far. I can't wait to see what 27 has in store for me.
~Rozi Drue
There were certainly some hard times in this last year as well which include my sister leaving to war in Afghanistan and having to leave her two boys behind. One blessing was that I was able to see her just a few days before she left but it was incredibly hard because I didn't know if that was the last time I would ever see her again. I couldn't even bring myself to say goodbye to her because it made it too real for me. I had to try my best to put on my brave "big sister face" and hope that I could make it out of her eyesight before breaking down. I didn't I ended up crying a good part of the way to the airport. On the plus side I was able to go to California in March when she came home safely. I had intended on surprising her when she came home but the news got leaked so it wasn't a surprise but it was amazing none the less.
In August Mya started Kindergarten at Anchor Lutheran. And thankfully that first day of school wasn't as hard as I anticipated. I think her going there every day for like a year before really helped take that sting out of "My baby is growing up" not only did she start kindergarten but she became a big sister all in the same week. And oh what an amazing sister she has been. She absolutely adores Ava and can't get enough hugs and kisses even if that means she makes Ava scream. She is the clown of the two so far and she does whatever she can to make Ava laugh. I think one of my favorite parts of the day is when I pick them both up and all I can hear is laughing coming from the back seat of the car. I can hardly ever see what is so funny but I guess it's none of a mom's business anyway.
We took a family vacation over spring break and it was probably one of the most fun times I have ever had. We went to the Great Wolf Lodge and it was AMAZING!!! I am counting down the days until we can go again. During our trip Mya got to see a little glimpse into the life of a cowgirl and she is HOOKED. She asks pretty regularly when she is going to get to go to aunt Carrie's again and ride horses. She even got pink cowgirl boots for her birthday and she told me right away she is going to wear them when she goes riding at Carries.
Ava has been such a wonderful addition to our family. Before she was born it was really hard to imagine diving the love I had for Mya between two babies but thankfully God doesn't make you do that. He just gives you more love to go around. Ava is a completely different kid than Mya ever was. That makes me nervous for when they become teenagers. Ava has made all of the milestones along the way and is even walking now. She isn't walking full time but a good portion of the time. She can walk from one side of the livingroom to the other and she's only 10 months old. I have a feeling we are really in for it with this little bundle of joy. She's saying quite a few words such as mama, dada, mya, bye, ny night, up, hi and has even put two words together. Mya bye (she was crawling around looking for Mya one day when she was out) and hi dada.
Mya has had all sorts of things happen in her little life this year also. She became a big sister, started school, lost her first tooth, learned how to ride a bike. She's on a roll... rapid paced even. Everytime I blink my eyes she's doing something new to make me feel old.
I have also had the priviledge and blessing of abundant friendships this year. I was able to stand up next to a very close friend of mine as she married her best friend. That wedding was the most God filled one I have ever been to and certainly been a part of. You could just feel the Holy Spirit abundantly present that day and I look forward to seeing how their love and marriage grows over the years. She is so amazing and deserves a man who loves her like he does. I have also been blessed to grow amazingly close to my friend across the street. She has been there for me in SO many ways its hard to list them all. She loves on my babies when I need a moment, and just because she enjoys it. She cleaned my house while we were on vacation, she's laughed with me, cried with me...just been amazing and I can't imagine what life would be like without her. It blows my mind how God chooses the people He places in your life. I think thats certainly one of His ways to show His love for us by giving us unbelievable friends and family. Today I came home from work to see a gathering of colorful papers sticking out all over our front door. After we pulled into the garage I went to the front of the house to see what was there and the sweet kids that live in the neighborhood had handmade birthday cards for me. It was the sweetest most heart warming thing. I love those kids and I am so thankful for their love for me. The simple things go a long way.
And lastly my sweet loving husband. I don't even know where to begin with him. He starts every single day with making me a cup of coffee just because he knows how much it brightens my day. The other night my back was hurting really bad and so I got in the shower for a while to soak it. When I got out he was already in bed and as I climbed into bed my side was scorching hot. I thought maybe he had laid on my side until I got out of the shower but to my surprise he had gotten the heating pad and plugged it in so that it would be nice and hot for my sore back when I climbed into bed. Today I got a mysterious flower delivery today at work and my boss and I speculated who could have sent flowers. I said well I know it wasn't Dustin because as long as I have known and loved him he said that having flowers delivered is a waste of money. I decided to call the flower shop to see if they could tell me who sent them and....IT WAS HIM. I couldn't believe it!!! He's always finding new ways to sweep me off my feet. I don't know what I have ever done to deserve him and all of his love but I am so thankful that I did it. Just when I think he couldn't be more incredible I wake up, its a new day...and he does something all over again to make me have butterflies.
Thank you Lord for the best year of my life so far. I can't wait to see what 27 has in store for me.
~Rozi Drue
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Another Bittersweet Mommy Moment
Well tonight is the eve of my number 1 baby girl's birthday and it is always such a bittersweet thing for me. I feel like the time with those I love is just so precious yet goes by faster than I can comprehend. I know I should not hold tightly to the things of this world but when it comes to those I love I simply can't help it.
Tonight a dear friend and neighbor of mine came over to help me decorate for tomorrows taco birthday dinner and I heard my friend say "good night Mya" and sure enough my sweet little girl was soundly sleeping while wrapped in her fuzzy princess blanket. I continued to busy my mind with decorating but my heart strings were being tugged with every streamer. How did life already pass by so fast? I remember wishing colic away like it was just yesterday but now I have a little girl who is currently growing her first permanent tooth. What a year it has been for my sweet Mya Jean. She became a kindergartener and a big sister in the same week, she learned how to tie her shoes, she lost her first tooth its all flown by so fast. This year has been so different for our family because I have seen a side of my daughter I wouldn't have been able to see if we hadn't decided to change her life by adding to our family. She is so incredibly thoughtful and caring. She loves with a passion that makes my heart melt. And she finds such joy in the smiles and laughter of her baby sister that she will do whatever it takes to get them both to the hiccupps. One day Mya was playing outside and someone had hurt her feelings so she came inside crying (I wasn't home to witness this) and when Mya cries...Ava cries. So Mya told her dad all about what broke her heart and as Mya continued to cry... so did Ava and Mya said "I love you Ava, you are my best friend!" and I just can't get over how sweet it is for her to love her sister like that even from the beginning. She is such a sweet, amazing blessing in our lives, and although I don't necessarily like that she's growing up so quickly I do love the person that she is becoming.
Thank you Lord for blessing my life with Mya. I will never be the same, and for that I am grateful.
Tonight a dear friend and neighbor of mine came over to help me decorate for tomorrows taco birthday dinner and I heard my friend say "good night Mya" and sure enough my sweet little girl was soundly sleeping while wrapped in her fuzzy princess blanket. I continued to busy my mind with decorating but my heart strings were being tugged with every streamer. How did life already pass by so fast? I remember wishing colic away like it was just yesterday but now I have a little girl who is currently growing her first permanent tooth. What a year it has been for my sweet Mya Jean. She became a kindergartener and a big sister in the same week, she learned how to tie her shoes, she lost her first tooth its all flown by so fast. This year has been so different for our family because I have seen a side of my daughter I wouldn't have been able to see if we hadn't decided to change her life by adding to our family. She is so incredibly thoughtful and caring. She loves with a passion that makes my heart melt. And she finds such joy in the smiles and laughter of her baby sister that she will do whatever it takes to get them both to the hiccupps. One day Mya was playing outside and someone had hurt her feelings so she came inside crying (I wasn't home to witness this) and when Mya cries...Ava cries. So Mya told her dad all about what broke her heart and as Mya continued to cry... so did Ava and Mya said "I love you Ava, you are my best friend!" and I just can't get over how sweet it is for her to love her sister like that even from the beginning. She is such a sweet, amazing blessing in our lives, and although I don't necessarily like that she's growing up so quickly I do love the person that she is becoming.
Thank you Lord for blessing my life with Mya. I will never be the same, and for that I am grateful.
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
This is just the beginning
With the encouragement of a great friend I have decided to start a blog. Who knows how it will turn out or if there will even be anything worth reading but I have decided it's worth at least trying just as a place to air out whatever happens to be on my mind. I'm sure my posts will be all over the place, anywhere from funny to deep to crazy and/or off the wall but thats pretty much who I am in a nutshell.
As I sit here awake writing even though I should be in bed I am lost in thought about so many things I'm not really even sure which topic to tackle first. I guess my first one will have to be the heartache I feel watching so many people I love and care about struggle in life for so many different reasons. Each struggle is personal and I will not reveal too much detail so that way I don't end up "outting" those who I am concerned about but I do have a heart full of burdens for so many. There is just something in my nature that wishes I could take away the struggles or hurt from those I love. I wish I could just fix their situations and make things right because its always easier to know what to do when its not your situation you are looking at. But the obvious truth is that I can't just fix every situation, I actually can't fix any of them. Another hard thing is to know that some of these situations are things that have been caused by the choices of the people they directly effect. And although I certainly don't enjoy to see the outcome of these choices, the truth is that things are the way they are because of things these people could have prevented with a few "easy" choices but like people always say hindsight is 20/20. I don't mean for any of this to come across high and mighty my point is just that I hate the helpless feeling of watching those I care about feel heartache and struggles when I know there is nothing I am able to do to fix it.
As I sit here awake writing even though I should be in bed I am lost in thought about so many things I'm not really even sure which topic to tackle first. I guess my first one will have to be the heartache I feel watching so many people I love and care about struggle in life for so many different reasons. Each struggle is personal and I will not reveal too much detail so that way I don't end up "outting" those who I am concerned about but I do have a heart full of burdens for so many. There is just something in my nature that wishes I could take away the struggles or hurt from those I love. I wish I could just fix their situations and make things right because its always easier to know what to do when its not your situation you are looking at. But the obvious truth is that I can't just fix every situation, I actually can't fix any of them. Another hard thing is to know that some of these situations are things that have been caused by the choices of the people they directly effect. And although I certainly don't enjoy to see the outcome of these choices, the truth is that things are the way they are because of things these people could have prevented with a few "easy" choices but like people always say hindsight is 20/20. I don't mean for any of this to come across high and mighty my point is just that I hate the helpless feeling of watching those I care about feel heartache and struggles when I know there is nothing I am able to do to fix it.
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