I haven't blogged in almost a year, I've wanted to...but decided against it because everything I've wanted to say has been on more of the gloomy side. But tonight, I sit in a quiet house and decide that maybe getting a few things off my chest would help. Even if I'm just venting to the computer.
So bluntly stated, this year has been pretty crappy. Nothing MAJOR has happened, just done a LOT of thinking and realizing this year. Maybe that's what happens when you get older, you start to realize things that you've been blind to but this year has been one big giant slap in the face. A lot of it makes me wonder what's wrong with me? Most of my disappointment has come from realizing that relationships I have valued seem to mean nothing to anyone but me. Friends have become a distant memory, I've gone from best friend, to friend, to client. Family doesn't seem to care one bit what's going on with my little family whether its good or bad, and it realllllly breaks my heart. I know that I do have people in my life that love me, that value me, that value my friendship, and relationship whether I'm laughing or crying. And I thank the Lord a million times for that, but I can't pretend that I'm not bummed about how things have been. I wish I could just see why things are the way they are, and go back to being like they used to be, but I also know that everything happens for a reason so even in my heartache I try to be content and grateful.
I do wonder what is wrong with me though. I wonder why am I not good enough for people to want to stay in my life? What am I doing that makes people hit the road and not look back? Why? Why don't you care when something good happens in my life, why don't you care when something bad does too? When I'm asking for prayer on facebook or any other way why don't you wonder why I'm asking for prayer? Why aren't you excited for the good things in my life like birthdays and anniversaries, the milestones of my children? Why? And I don't have the answer for that, I don't think anyone does. The only piece of advice I ever get is "just don't let it bother you, just stop caring" and I only wish it were that easy. I wish I were able to just say, if they don't care to be a part of my life then so be it. But that's not how it works for me. I want to be loved, I want to be prayed for, and rejoiced with. So that's where my struggle lies.
I have ALWAYS struggled with not feeling good enough. I was always too skinny, too ugly cause I had glasses, the good kid "goodie two shoes" the kids were mean because I was too skinny, teachers were mean because I was too skinny. People gave me a hard time because I always had headaches and treated me like I was making it up. And now the distance and lack of care from everyone who is supposed to love me and be there for me just vaildates how I feel. I've lived my whole life with people nagging at me for something. Even doing what was right somehow turned out to be something that was a bad thing. And now here I am back in the same boat. The last almost 2 years of my life I've gained more weight than I ever have and look like a somewhat normal person and now I'm getting crap for that too cause I'm getting fat. I can't win. And honestly I'm tired of trying. I'm tired of trying to do what's always right, and be who everyone else thinks I should be. No matter what I do it doesn't seem to be right anyway. People still remove themselves from my life one by one regardless.
I just wish things were different. I look back over my last few blogs (I know there aren't many) and just reflect over my life and I think this is the first year I've ever felt truly unhappy (aside from when Dustin moved away) I'm not sure how to fix it. I've tried to sort things out with some of the people that have gotten further and further away from me, but it comes back to "the ball is in your court" well to me this isn't a game. I don't want a ball to be in my court cause I'm not sure what to do with the "ball". I want things to be like they should be. I'm not perfect, I'm broken and flawed just like everyone else... but I still want to be loved. I don't want to spend an incredibly long amounts of time with someone day in and day out being ignored. I'm not sure what I've done to deserve that, but if I've wronged you, give me a chance to make it right, don't just cut me off and pretend I don't exist.
In all of this mess I just keep thinking how grateful I am for my little family. I'm not talking relatives and cousins etc, I'm talking the 4 other people that live in this house with me that make up my family because I don't know what I'd do without them. I know God put them in my life for a reason because without them I would have nothing. Most days they are my only source of joy. The reason I keep on keeping on. And I know that every bit of that is of the Lord. He knew I would need Dustin in my life to get me through SO many things. I rely on his love to keep me going on a day to day basis. I hope I never take him for granted because I can't imagine my life without him too.
So for now I don't know what to do. I want to be happy and I give it my best shot. I wake up every day with the hopes of a new, good day and look to the Lord to see what all he has in store for me, but for now I need to just learn how to be content, and hope that one day my heart won't hurt so much.
