I seem to take long breaks in between blogs (years even) but it's never that long before I think about writing. I've laid in bed at night, many many times and thought about writing again, but life has a way of getting awfully busy regardless of how you feel about it. I've really tried to be more careful and purposeful with how I spend my time, so a blog just really isn't a priority. (Although it feels a lot more enjoyable than laundry) lately the nag on my mind to blog again has really hit full force, but this time it's been different. The idea of blogging has been more of blogging with a purpose more than just blogging for the sake of keeping a journal or something along those lines. I've always been deeply concerned with people. I am absolutely fascinated with people, their story, what makes them tick, what burdens them, and I've been a "helper" by nature for as long as I can remember. That helpful nature about me is not always a good thing. I find myself often consumed with things I can't change, burdened by other's choices or afflictions and honestly as I grow older (and hopefully more mature) I really have to focus on not letting those things get the best of me. It's so much easier said than done for me. I get taken advantage of, often, because I care too much or help too much. I get my feelings hurt and my heart broken over and over, but that's just how life goes sometimes. I'm learning how to brush things off a little more and carry on. That is absolutely not easy for me, but I'm a constant work in progress.
With that helpful nature, fascination and concern for people I've really thought, maybe I should blog. Maybe this is my way I can be helpful without cannonballing into things that in the end, I can't really change. Maybe sharing my struggles, and growth, sharing what I've learned and what I'm learning will help someone else along the way? Maybe being transparent about my faults and triumphs will be a little less "know it all" and a little more relatable in blog form? We all know that even the best intended advice, can sting depending on our circumstances. So maybe this is how I can "help" while growing myself too.
I want to blog with a purpose. I want to care about people and help people, but constructively. I want to use my spiritual gifts to the best of my ability and ultimately help people draw closer to Him. Draw closer to Him in marriage, motherhood, and ministry. That's where this season of life has me. I have not perfected any of these 3 areas, and honestly I never will. Each day brings something new, sometimes its good new, sometimes its bad new, but it's new nonetheless. But I hope my journey in this life, and my growth in Him, in these areas can be an encouragement to others. Maybe someone will think "hey, I'm there too..." or "hey, I'll keep an eye out for this so I won't have the same experience" however this pans out, I pray His blessings on you, and on me, afterall, we're in this together.
So to kick of this 3 M's blog, I want to start with motherhood. Now if you aren't a mother, don't let that make you stop reading because I promise what I'm going to say will still apply to you. If you are a mom, don't let that make you stop reading either, because I promise what I'm going to say will still apply to you.
I think a majority of my life has been spent second guessing myself. Did I do the right thing, say the right thing, give the right impression? Were my intentions obvious...did I fail??? And being a mother has only amplified that question in my heart, a zillion times! If you were to ask me when I was a little girl, "what do you want to be when you grow up?" I wouldn't have said some elegant, noteworthy career. I didn't want to go to college, have my name engraved on plaques or a desk by a window. I wanted something that seems so mundane but is so so mighty. I wanted to be a wife and a mom. I wanted my name on birth certificates and future wedding announcements (Rosalynn requests your presence at her little dream baby's wedding) that sort of thing. Then when that dream came true, it was terrifying! What if I'm terrible at this mom thing? What if I don't say the right thing, feed the right thing, teach the right things? What if my intentions aren't obvious as a mother, what if I do this wrong? My biggest concern as a mom isn't whether they get the nutrition they need, or if they're the smartest kids in the class, I don't care if they have cereal for dinner sometimes or completely bomb their spelling tests. My worry is far greater than that. What if they grow up, and don't know how much I REALLY love them? What if they second guess that? What if they look back and say, I wish my mom loved me more, showed me more, made it more real for me. I wish my mom was there for me more when I needed her. That fear has had me in tears more times than I care to admit, even recently. I love these kids so much it literally hurts sometimes. I've wanted so desperately to be their mom, but man, being in the care of a person requires so much more than I ever imagined, what if I mess it up? I don't want to mess it up. I've messed things up my whole life, please not my kids too. Only time will tell. I'm sure there will be times they hate me (hopefully it's shark week and it's justified) I'm sure there will be times they wish I'd just let up, and let them figure things out for themselves, but oh how I pray I'll get it right. No matter how many times I slip up, Lord please let them always know how much I love them. Recently I had a little epiphany. I wonder if this is how God feels about us? We're created in His image right? Ok so I know that's a little far fetched because I don't think God worries, He's God afterall. But I wonder if its similar to how He feels about us? Does He look down on us an think "little child of mine, do you fully grasp my love for you? Do you see me there for you every time you've ever needed me? Do you see me there even when you've wanted to figure things out for yourself? Do you know how much I really love you?" and that concept brought me to my knees. No matter how many times I'll mess up this mommy thing, I need to keep pointing them, and myself back to Him. I'm not going to get it right, but if they love and serve Him, at least I got something right, the rest isn't up to me.
<3 Rozi Drue
