My life hasn't always been wonderful, I have had my heart broken more times than I can even count, but that has been what has shaped me to be who I am, and has taught me to be resilient in this journey. It has made me cautious (aka major trust issues) but when I care about something or someone, I care with everything I have to offer. I have found that even when life has been rough (especially growing up) I still see myself as a pretty joyful person. I can still somehow find joy in the circumstances before me, and I know that comes directly from the Lord. I haven't always been happy, but I have had the joy that isn't dependent on my circumstances. I think this is why I haven't asked God why I have to wait until heaven to hold my baby. I haven't asked Him why He gave her to us, and took her right back because honestly, why doesn't change a thing. Instead, I have found myself asking over and over again, "How? How do you want me to use this? How to you want me to take this and use it for Your glory?" And this is where I've gotten confusion and clarity all at the same time. (Hello internal chaos)
Growing up I was always considered a bossy kid (and sensitive and too skinny and all sorts of other "character building" things that leave you feeling inadequate and insecure) but it wasn't until I became a parent that I realized how big of a control freak I am. Admitting that is hard for me because I like to think that I am level headed and rational but when it comes to not having control over certain situations its really hard for me. Not knowing what to expect is the worst for me. I just realized maybe a year or so ago that when Dustin plans dates that I have no idea about, it makes me so anxious that I feel sick to my stomach and kind of ruins the date. I thought "cute, I still have butterflies after 15 years" ummmm no, thats anxiety honey. Once I finally realized its not knowing what to expect that makes me feel sick (cause the butterflies don't happen on every date, just the ones he plans and I have no clue whats going on) I have had a better handle on things, and he has been great about respecting my anxiousness by either surprising me so much I have no idea there was even going to be something going on, or telling me just enough to get rid of the anxiousness. Anyway, throw in having children and the need to control everything for me, has gone into over drive. Mom's way is the only way, which is terrible way to have a family. God didn't create children with just one parent, it takes both a mom, and a dad to make a child and it takes both a mom and a dad to raise them. I realize there are one parent families, and I am in no way looking down my nose at those families (I grew up in one) but His design was for both parents to contribute to the well-being of the child. I'm not sure at which point I have learned to let Dustin parent his way (I don't always keep quiet) but I have had to learn that just because he does things differently than I do with the kids, doesn't mean he's doing it wrong. They have two parents for a reason, why should MY way be the right way? I think what I know is best more often than not, but sometimes I'm wrong. Sometimes I need to let him do things his way (even if it's completely different than how I would do it) because they're his kids too, and the way he parents them will shape them just the same way I do. He's an amazing daddy, so why do I need to keep thinking he needs to be an amazing mommy too? Let him be their dad, the way he is going to be their dad, and leave the mothering to me. (Did anyone else notice that mothering and smothering rhyme?)
Like I said in my earlier post, when I found out I was pregnant with Ruby (even though she wasn't a surprise baby) I was scared. Dustin told me recently (before our baby died) that I have an incredible intuition about things. This intuition has ALWAYS left me feeling crazy. I "get a bad feeling" about things from time to time and often I can't explain what exactly it is that gives me the bad feeling, it's just there, and makes me really anxious and uncomfortable. It's hard to explain a bad feeling when you don't know what about it is bad, but it happens, and a majority of the time after the problem surfaces, I had a bad feeling for a good reason. Anyway, when I scheduled my first pre-natal visit I asked Dustin if he could come with me "just incase" and I never did that with the other two kids. He came to the important appointments like the ultrasounds and if there was a possible concern he'd be there if he could but his boss isn't very flexible so for the most part I went to the doctor alone. With Ruby I was afraid to go alone and I'm not sure why, I have never been afraid to go alone, especially to the first visit. I even asked a friend if she could come with me, if Dustin couldn't, and then another friend if the first two couldn't come. I just really didn't want to go alone, just incase. I don't know why I had a just incase this time, I never did before, but this was different for some reason. "What if my pregnancy is ectopic, or there are two babies, or there is no heartbeat..." I had a long list of worst case scenarios, and a plan so I didn't have to go alone. My first appointment was scheduled for July 29th, which felt like an eternity away for an anxious mom, who couldn't wait to see her baby.
Not long after I found out that I was pregnant with Ruby I started having pain that I could pinpoint to my ovary. I only have one ovary due to having the other surgically removed and I knew that this pain felt different than the ligament stretching you feel as your belly starts to grow. I kept trying to tough out the pain, tell myself it as nothing, but as time went on, hours turned into days, turned into a week or two I decided that maybe I should just make sure everything is ok. I felt a little paranoid and silly calling my doctors office considering this was my third time being pregnant and that I SHOULD know what it's like, but this pain was different, I don't remember it with the other two. The nurse I talked to at my doctors office went ahead and scheduled me for an ultrasound even though she didn't think it was anything to be concerned with, just to be sure. As soon as they started the ultrasound I rushed through my mental checklist of worry. "Baby is in my uterus where she should be, there is only one baby..." and as I was going through my thoughts Dustin said "there's the heartbeat". He saw it immediately! The most beautiful thing you will ever see is a heart beating from within you. I really wish I would have recorded it. I wanted to record it on my phone and save it, but I didn't want them to think I was crazy. Now I wish I would have just been crazy for that moment, because I only had a few more days before her heart stopped. A few days later (it was a Monday evening, but I can't remember the date, and don't really want to look at a calendar because I don't want to see the date on the calendar for the rest of my life and remember this) I just didn't feel good. I was tired (hello pregnancy) and kind of just wiped out feeling, and even though Dustin and I had a ministry meeting he was adamant that I just stay home and rest this one time. "You need to take care of yourself, they will understand" he told me, and so even though I felt guilty for missing something important, I stayed home. It was while I was home that evening the bleeding started.
This is the first time I have ever had bleeding while I was pregnant. When I was pregnant with Ava I had some internal bleeding, implant bleeding, but nothing ever came out, this blood was bright red, and there was a lot of it, and so I immediately got in the shower. The shower is my sanctuary of sorts. It's where I go when I need a moment, when I'm trying to figure out the world, where I do my best praying, its just my place where I go to collect my thoughts, but this time I was broken, terrified, and literally on my face. I was kneeling there on the shower floor, with my face to the floor, blood running down my legs, begging God not to take my baby from me. I cried harder and louder than I have ever cried in my entire life begging Him to spare my baby. In that moment I prayed "Please Lord, not me. Please don't let this happen to me. Please let me keep my baby! Please let my baby live...but if your answer is no. If your answer is no Lord, I still love you. I will still love you and serve you, even if your answer is no." While I was broken on the shower floor, crying out to God, the hymn that says "Have thine own way" was stuck in my head. I just sang it over and over in my head praying "God, let me have peace with your will" and I meant it. I needed more than anything to have peace with His will.
All along, long before we conceived Ruby, I have been praying for Gods will for her, and my life with her. I had prayed when I was entertaining the idea of her, but alone in my idea. I prayed for His will as the desire grew stronger and became too much to bear. I prayed for His will when we agree'd to have another baby, I prayed for His will when I learned I was pregnant, and as her life started slipping away, I prayed for His will. I went to the doctors office the next morning (Tuesday) and they did some blood work (checked my HCG level and progesterone), and a pelvic exam to check for infection. At that point the bleeding had stopped, God heard my prayer, my plan for my baby and the bleeding stopped. A few hours later I got a phone call that my progesterone was incredibly low which was probably what caused the bleeding (the lowest they want to see the progesterone at where I was gestationally was 20+, my progesterone was 6) they started me on some progesterone supplements, and at that time I requested an ultrasound. I had to know if my baby was still alive, and she was. Praise the Lord she was. She had grown some since the ultrasound just a few days before, and her heart was stronger. What a sigh of relief. The ultrasound technician told me they like to see two things, growth (check) and an increase in heart rate (check again) he mentioned very vaguely about the gestational sac being small, but he didn't say it in a way that lead me to think that was anything to be concerned about, he said the two things they like to see, we had. What a relief!!! Thursday they had me come in to check my HCG again because they like to see your numbers increase by a minimum of 60% every 48 hours. Mine increased by less than 20%, the doctors didn't say it, but I knew that wasn't a good sign.
When I get pregnant I get a lump in my armpit (milk gland) that can be pretty swollen and painful sometimes. For some reason when I woke up Friday morning, the very first thing I did was feel my armpit, and the lump was almost gone. With being on the supplemented progesterone there is no reason the lump should be getting smaller, and I instantly panicked inside. I didn't tell anyone that I was freaking out inside but by late morning it got to the point I couldn't take the worry anymore and called my doctors office again. I wanted another ultrasound just to see if my baby was still alive and after talking to the nurse again, I decided I would just wait until Tuesday, when I had my first pre-natal appointment, the one I had scheduled what felt like an eternity ago. She told me they were doing everything they could do for me right now, she told me my previous ultrasound looked good but this was a time where we just have to hope for the best because we never know for sure how it will go, but she reassured me enough to wait through the longest weekend ever, until Tuesday. If I could just get to Tuesday I could see my baby again and be reassured. Tuesday was my "just incase" appointment but thankfully I didn't have to go alone.
Saturday the bleeding started again, but this time it didn't stop. I was taking the progesterone still, but the bleeding came anyway. My doctor was on call over the weekend thankfully so I finally got to talk to her for the first time through all of this. When she got on the phone she told me what I think I knew all along, but never EVER wanted to hear. I was miscarrying. She said to stop taking the progesterone and that it was ok to miscarry at home, and again I was broken and on my knees. There are a billion thoughts that hit you when you learn you'll never hold your baby on your chest and hear their first cry. I felt so incredibly guilty. I couldn't save her. I tried everything I could, I was faithful with my vitamins before even trying to get pregnant, I was eating spinach several times a day, every day to make sure my iron was better this time. I was cutting back on caffeine again because even though I love coffee, and a little bit is ok, I love my baby more, and just wanted the best for her. I was taking the progesterone and taking it easy as much as I could, but I just couldn't save her. I couldn't protect her. I felt so guilty for wanting to have her so bad. If I could have just been content with two healthy children, my heart wouldn't be broken, all of our hearts wouldn't have to be broken. I wouldn't have to tell the girls that they won't have a baby to hold soon, I wouldn't have to tell Dustin that this plan we have discussed so many times for years was a bad idea, none of this would have happened if I could have just been content. But it was too late for that. Then I realized, that none of this is truly up to me. Not Mya, not Ava, not Ruby, not any future children, its honestly not up to me. I can want all that I want, I can plan all that I want, I can try to prepare and control all that I want, but in the end NONE OF THIS IS UP TO ME! That is such a mighty thought, its scary and freeing all at the same time. All this time I have been praying for Gods will. I have been praying for God to write my story, but I won't let go of the pen. I want Him to write my story the way I want it to be written, rather than having enough trust in who He is, to let Him have His will. How foolish of me. He will have His will either way, but there's freedom in letting go of the pen.
After the hardest weekend I have ever have, Tuesday came. My just incase came, my what if something's wrong came, and that was the day where we saw that her heart had stopped beating, but she was still in my womb. As much as I knew that she was gone, my heart still longed for that hope in my plan. Seeing that her heart had stoppeed meant more decisions. How did I want her to be born? This is not how I had ever imagined my child being born. I thought of the pictures we would take, and who would hold her first, I thought of what she would look like, and the first time I would feed her, and none of them looked like this. Nothing in my plan looked like this, but His plan looked this way all along. He knew this was how my story would go, but He needed me to let go of the pen first.
In this time in my life I have thought of things I would never have if Ruby would have stayed here with me. I have thought of The Father's love for me in ways I never would have, and for that I am thankful! One day after she had died I was taking a long drive and as I was driving I just cried. My heart is shattered and broken. I asked God "God, does your heart break when our hearts are broken?" I know there are times in life when our hearts are broken by our own faults. We do things that eventually leave our hearts broken and thats not what I mean, I mean when the heartache hits by no cause of our own, does His heart break for ours? A few days later I realized, God lost His baby too. They crucified Him, so I took that as a yes. That made my heart hurt for God in a strange way. My baby didn't bear the sin of all of the world, I held my baby for her whole life. She never had to experience any of the ugly things of this world. She went straight from my womb to heaven. I've thought about even Jesus Himself being on His face before His father in prayer. " He told them 'my soul is crushed with grief to the point of death. Stay here and keep watch with me.' He went on a little farther and bowed with his face to the ground, praying, 'My Father! If it is possible, let this cup of suffering be taken away from me. Yet I want your will to be done, not mine.'" Mattthew 26:38-39 NLT. I didn't think of this in my moments of despair, it wasn't until my first time back at church that they talked about this in Sunday School and I could relate to this. I have been litterally on my face before the Father, just like Jesus, and there was so much comfort in that.
I don't know how my story will end. I don't know how God wants to use this for His glory, I don't know why, or what's next, I don't know any of that. What I do know is this, He is writing my story. He is telling it perfectly, and it's about to get really good, I need to just sit at His feet, listen to Him tell me my story, and let go of the pen.
~Rozi Drue
This made me bawl. Again. I Love reading your blogs: ) amazing lady!
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